They're All Our Kin

When I was a child, Joe lived with my family for a while. Joe fell right in the middle of the age bracket spanning my two older brothers. He was my “play brother.” He made me laugh; he made me cry; he guided me; and he loved me, just liked my other big brothers.

“Play brother” is a moniker of endearment in the African American community that reflects a special place in the family structure. I don’t know if it is as familiar a term in other family structures and cultures. But having grown up with older brothers, I have a couple of “play brothers."

These aren’t pretend family members. When you introduce someone as your “play” relative, it’s not a joke; it’s really a kind of honor. It’s saying this person is so tight with my family that there is a bond, friendship and loyalty stronger than any missing DNA string.

It’s more than just being a good, close or best friend. He or she is really that sister or cousin or brother.

So as a 6 year old, I never thought about why this teenage boy was always at my house. He was just there, just like my great aunt was there. We were all family.

He slept there; he ate there; he went to school every day from there. If my (other) brothers had to clean the yard, he did too. If they got scolded, he did too. Christmas, he was there.

The DNA string would tell you that Joe was really my cousin. But he never felt like a cousin, he felt like a brother. How he came to live with us for those years was an adult story that I didn’t learn until I was an adult.

The need for such arrangements can stem from health conditions, lifestyle choices, economic circumstances, death, military deployment and more. “Kinship family” is what such an arrangement is now called.

What’s interesting is that kinship families existed before there was a name for it. A kinship family is a family in which one relative raises another relatives’ child. Sometimes it is a grandparent and a grandchild, an aunt with nieces or nephews, older siblings with younger siblings or, in this case, cousins. His mother and my mother were cousins.

Many families today do not recognize themselves as a kinship family, and do not know that they are entitled to services and supports.

In my family’s case the arrangement was informal. It wasn’t something the court ordered or reviewed. He was just living with us as one of us. Folks did what needed to be done.

In recent months, I have been doing work with the Lincoln Child Center Kinship Program. There are thousands of children in Alameda County living in “kinship families.”  They are separated from their parent(s) for a number of reasons.

These “kinship” families are eligible for services through a kinship support program.

Some grandparents who were truly experiencing an empty nest now have a house full of young children; Some relatives-turned-caregivers who had a life with disposable income have watched those resources dwindle when faced with new expenses of caring for the child.

The Lincoln Kinship program provides a bevy of services for Kinship Families — those with both informal and formal (court supported) custody. All of Lincoln Kinship Program services are provided free of charge to southern Alameda County (San Leandro to Fremont) families.

Available services include respite care, help with legal services, help completing applications, assistance in working with schools if the children in your care are struggling in school, and a support system of other families in similar situations.

Lincoln serves the entire family with its programs because its mission is to strengthen and stabilize the family so that that family can raise the child.

On August 20 from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. a Kinship Family Back to School Celebration will be held at Bayfair Center in San Leandro. Program representatives will be highlighting their services for Kinship Families.

In addition, discounts for back-to-school clothes and supplies, entertainment, and activities for children will be available. For more information about Kinship Services in Southern Alameda County, call (510) 583-8026.