(Editor's note: This tongue and cheek article from a community columnist originally appeared in Alameda Patch. If you'd like to write volunteer as a Patch columnist please contact the editor. There's an opening!)
In my 42 years, I've worked a lot of jobs. I've been fired from some, quit most, and have even been promoted once or twice. But I have never been given the opportunity to complete an exit interview.
Until now.
So, for my last Alameda Patch article, that's what I'm going to do — give myself an exit interview.
An exit interview is sometimes performed with an exiting employee. It provides the company with frank and honest feedback from the terminated employee and that feedback, in turn, can be used for organizational improvement and development within the company.
Though Alameda Patch has in no way hinted that they are even the slightest bit curious about my opinions, I feel it is my duty to give it to them anyway. You're welcome, Alameda Patch.
You.
Are.
Welcome.
Question 1: Why are you leaving the company?
Alameda Patch felt like they were holding me back.
My genius is undeniable and they felt that I was too creative for their strict rules and regulations. (Like no excessive swearing, for one.) Alameda Patch thought that cutting ties now would be the best move due to my diva reputation and my multimillion dollar contract demands.
(Total and complete fabrication. Alameda Patch cut its freelance budget.)
Question 2: What was most satisfying about your job?
Getting to say whatever I wanted once a week.
I usually have to force my family and friends to continually listen to my constant, inane blabber. So it was refreshing to have the entire city of Alameda read my article without having to using physical restraints. In many ways, it was a like cheep therapy once a week.
Question 3: What was least satisfying about your job?
Not being able to use excessive swear words.
You may not know this about me but I firmly believe in swearing. No, no, no. I do not throw f-bombs around the house at my kids. But I was surprised at how often I wanted to drop one while writing for Patch. I read that people who swear are more honest and trustworthy. So apparently, I'm just a really, REALLY honest person. Trust me, damn it.
Question 4: Were you satisfied with your performance?
Yes. Though I'm inherently lazy.
I didn't realize how much of a procrastinator I was until Patch. Sometimes Thursday evening would roll around and my Friday morning article would still be incomplete. The crazy thing being that I actually like writing! But the amount of stuff that would suddenly become much more important was amazing.
For example, I would find myself saying things like, "I'll get back to writing this Patch article just as soon as I've eaten the rest of the Blue Diamond, Hint of Jalapeño, Smokehouse BBQ, Lightly Sated, Roasted Almonds." Almonds that I'm not even sure I liked all that much, but had to finish them anyway. And immediately!
Question 5: Did you receive adequate support while you were on the job?
I received so much support it was mind-blowing!
I have never written publicly or professionally before. The only reason I was asked to write for Patch is because I am friends with Eve Pearlman, the editor of Alameda Patch back when it first launched. Eve introduced me to contributers Cecelia Leong, who I already knew from Jazzercise, and to Alice Lewis.
All three were fantastic mentors — better than I could have hoped for! Eve also introduced me to former editor Dixie Jordan and current editor, Analisa Harangozo. Both great supporters. (Oh, and by the way, sorry for procrastinating. And swearing.)
I also want to thank the people who not only read, but shared my spit on Facebook and Twitter. All three of you know who you are. Thank you.
I also received feedback from you, the people of Alameda. True, it was both positive and negative. But it was always true and honest making my experience with Patch a humbling and enjoyable one. Thanks Alameda!
Oh, and I'm throwing around the idea of perhaps, possibly, maybe, starting a blog. I don't know what it will be about but I do know it will be filled with loads of inappropriate swearing. I also don't know the first thing about starting a blog. But I'll be sure to look into it right after I finish this huge can of party nuts.
